The Long Post

Standard

Through the title- you have been given fair warning.  This blog will probably be very long.  I haven’t posted anything in awhile and I’ve been doing a lot of thinking.  Those two together = long post. 

I was lying in bed the other day and Jeff- of all people- asked me why I hadn’t blogged in awhile.  I was shocked, suprised, and impressed (brownie points for the husband) because I didn’t he read my blogs.  I thought he would be aware of them, possibly skim them, and pick out the key words in case I ever brought it up with him.  I didn’t actually count on him reading them all (after this post, quick check to see what all I’ve said about him).  And I really didn’t expect him to bring up the subject to me.  But there it was- why hadn’t I blogged in awhile?  Well, there is a rather simply complex answer to that question.  I could give you the answer- but, whithout the complex reasoning/justification it would come out wrong.  So- first the simple answer.  I’ve kind of been depressed.  Not like pill depressed, but just down.  The women will understand- it just happens sometimes.  You get down and it takes awhile to get back up.  Men (ummm..that would be you, Jeff)- probably wouldn’t understand. 

The complex reasoning behind that simple answer:  This time of the year has been slightly difficult because of a special date that had been plaguing me for awhile.  July 31.  I had started thinking about July 31 in June.  But the closer it got to the date, the more upset I found myself getting.  20 years ago on that day, in the early morning hours- my dad passed away.  It was sudden and unexpected.  I was 9 years old.  It has been 2 decades since he has been gone.  As I had to explain to Jeff, I can’t understand why 20 years is more hard to deal with than 19 years- but it just really was hard this year.  My dad was 36 when he died, he and my mom had been married 10 years, and I was 9 years old.  Jeff is 35, we will celebrate our 10th anniversary in Oct, and Brianna is 8 1/2.  For the first time in my life, I am at a very similar comparison to where my mom was 20 years ago.  That put this in a different perspective for me. 

I look at mine and Jeff’s relationship.  We have been together for over a decade.  In that time our relationship has changed so much.  Through the years it has refined itself and shaped itself into something that is irreplaceable.  But it isn’t done yet.   Our love hasn’t stopped, nor will it ever stop, changing and growing deeper.  We often talk about what changes will take place in a short 10 years when we can travel the world while the girls go to college (doesn’t matter how realistic our dream is- it can happen).  Jeff is my balance, my better half (I am beyond blessed with him), my lover, my best friend, and a constant force in my life.  We rely on each other- it isn’t always perfect- but no relationship ever is.  The beauty of the relationship is that we work together through it, we stick out the tough times, we love each other in good times and bad.   We raise our family- our 2 beautifully talented girls- together.  Our life is a puzzle, but all the pieces are there and slowly fall into place.

But what if one of those pieces was taken away.  It would forever change the picture.  My father’s absence changed our picture as a child.  But he wasn’t just my father.  He was a husband, a son, a brother, a cousin, a nephew, and a friend.  As I’ve grown older, I’ve realized just how many pictures have changed by that one puzzle piece being taken away.  He was so much more than I knew about.  There was more to the man, then I could- at 9 years old- know or understand.  He had a life.  And 20 years later- it is still remembered by those it effected.  At this time in my life, I can look back and appreciate the man that I have too few memories of.  I miss him.  I wonder how the picture would have turned out for us- if that puzzle piece had always been there. 

Over the past 20 years, there would have been a lot of differences.  There are many things that I wish he could have done with me- driving lessons, scaring my first boyfriend, cheering me on at graduation, encouraged me in my plans for the future, walked me down the aisle- many things that were missed out on.  I would have gotten to know his family more.  We would have had a closer bond and knowledge of each other than what we have now.   But what is gone is gone- and that is a world I will never know.   I have some memories from the times that we did have.   But my girls will never know their grandpa.  What would they have called him?  Jeff will never know what a great man he was.  My dad wasn’t perfect, but he was a good man.  What topics would him and Jeff have bonded over?  I know it wouldn’t have been football.  But what?  

I have heard people talk about being annoyed by their dad, thinking he was too – whatever.  I get angry at those people.  You can not take any person that you value in your life for granted.  We are not promised tomorrow.  My dad died while we slept.  We went to bed a complete family- and woke up incomplete. 

I am going to be making a video of pictures of my dad.  I have asked family members to share some pictures, and I will put them together to remember a life lived.  It will take awhile to get it together- to get it the way I want it.  But, I think it will be nice to have a piece of the puzzle to look at that once was. 

So- that had weighed on me for awhile.  I didn’t want to see people, I didn’t want to get online, I didn’t want to talk.  I wanted to just be.  It was convinent that the girls were sick- it allowed me to hole myself up inside and not reach out.  I went to Missouri with the girls to be with my mom and family.  We didn’t do anything special but be together the week of July 31.  That helped.  Just simply being with my family was medicinal.  

So- I’m back to TX, getting ready for the summer to end and work to begin- and I am ready to blog again!  Jeff pointed out that my blogs have just been descriptions of what I do.  Well yeah!  I have a bad memory and forget stuff 🙂  So this is my way to document it.  But I will also add more thoughts…more opinionated thoughts on whatever fancies me.

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One response »

  1. That was beautiful, you don’t know how much it meant to me to have you here this year. I understand about the 20 years why did it seem harder this year then the last, your Dad missed so much. It doesn’t seem fair, I thought about you & Jeff, and David & Mandy all celebrating 10 years this year, how I pray you all have many more years together, The love never dies, it is always there somethibg I will always miss and long for the dreams that we had, things we would have done after you kids had left home, it is hard to dream now it just isn’t the same to dream them alone. Thank you for being here, I love you so very much

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